Jurassic World (2015)

Damn, from chubby to sexy af.

I have been waiting 10 years for this movie. Ever since I came across the IMDB page and there was a plot synopsis  involving T-Rexes with machine guns. There was points in time were this movie seemed like it was never going to happen.  Over the last 2 years, there has been a full swing of hype. Even more so this past month. I can't remember the last time a movie, aside from the Marvel ones, had so many commercials and product tie-ins. It seemed like every other commercial or item in the grocery store had something to do with Jurassic World. Regardless, I was still excited knowing full well this will be a blown out, Summer blockbuster.

I was mostly excited for this movie because Jurassic Park has always had a place in my heart. It came out the same year I was born and it has always been a movie I can watch a million times and not get sick of. I quote it so many goddamn times and I still laugh at all the dumb cheesy shit and get tense. I remember when I was little, I liked The Lost World more than the first. The idea of a T-Rex running around a city always scared me and I always thought it would something that would actually happen. Anytime I heard a loud noise outside my window while I was sleeping I was convinced it was a T-Rex. Looking back at The Lost World, it is a cheap sequel at the end of the day. I still enjoy it, but it is a bit of a let down if you compare it to the original.  I also remember when Jurassic Park 3 was coming out, it was a huge deal, then it kind of went away. Even still people seem to forget the 3rd one and you can't really blame them. It is not the worst squeal that ever was or ever will be, but it is forgettable with some really annoying characters. I must also mention that I did go to the Jurassic Park section during my visit to Universal Orlando and geeked out like the son of a bitch that I am. It felt like you were actually in the park had it been practical, though I was disappointed there wasn't a random goat on a leash. 

Jurassic World was pretty awesome. However, the first half of the movie was slow. I was getting a little worried once that bitchface red headed lady came in and the two unlikable children and the incompetent employees. It was like "Aw shit, this shit again?" What is with this franchise and annoying characters? Once the pacing picks up, it doesn't fucking stop. I can't remember the last time I loudly gasped in a movie theater or was clenching onto my hair. 

But for every awesome thing in this movie, there was at least one mildly retarded thing in return. Few examples (possible spoilers):

• No bitch in the history of bitches can run in cheap-ass, Payless heels all day and through the jungle. Why couldn't she run into Jimmy Buffets and grab flip-flops. I know they fucking have them!  Shits not the best buts its more practical anyway.
• Everyone in this movie is selfish and retarded.
• More use of CGI over practical effects. I know it is expected now that every movie has it, but it still a bit of a let down how little practical effects there were. What made the effects in the original look good even to this day was the lighting and equal distribution of practical and CGI. Regardless, these effects still look great, but there were times I don't feel like the actors were giving into it. 
• The product placement. I already said in my Pitch Perfect 2 review my issue with it and the difference between Necessary and Obnoxious PP. In all honesty, most of the PP here made sense. When you go to a theme park these days, there is PP and restaurant tie-ins everywhere. The plaza in the movie almost looked like City Walk at Universal Orlando. However, the fact that in this world everyone has a Samsung Galaxy phone and drives a Mercedes is a bit ridiculous. 
• What is with the annoying children in these movies? I'll admit these kids aren't as bad as some other movies but its a trend that people are getting sick of. 
• No Jeff Goldblum. 
• All the side character development shit. No one needs that, I don't need a human connection. I'd rather know the problems of the dinosaurs, thank you. 
• Everyone is in panic and being attacked by pterodactyls, KISS ME.
• I almost wanted to say "Wow! this is a great remake of Jurassic Park 3!" There so many similarities between the two. The lost boys, the pterodactyls, the characters going back to the original facilities, the "new dinosaur" that was said to be better than the T- Rex gets her ass kicked by a fucking T-Rex, etc.

All these problems will refrain me from giving this film a perfect score, but I still enjoyed the hell of it. My favorite aspect has to be the commentary about theme parks. Universal is basically making fun of itself and Disney. There were several nods mentioned throughout that basically points out the flaws of theme parks. How expensive everything is, the rush to find the next best attraction even it may not be safe, liability issues, covering up shit that has happened in the past, product placement, and others. I even noticed how they were poking at Disney World's Magic Bands and the way the guest relations people were doing the Disney Point. I mentioned before that the park itself had some similarities to how it looked in Universal Orlando as well. As someone who just got back from working at these places in Orlando, I found it all very amusing. 

Otherwise, my favorite things were your favorite things. Chris Pratt was great, and of course because he is on top of the world right now. Every single moment that involved a dinosaur had me at the edge of my seat. The fights between the dinosaurs and watching them eat people was as satisfying as cutting into construction paper. The part me that had me say "OH MY FUCK-" with a four year old child in front of me was when the Mosasaurus  came up from the water to take the Indominus. Also when the raptors were coming after the truck had me shit. The usage of new dinosaurs is always neat to see. I'm glad to see DNA Strand guy make a cameo along with BD Wong. John Williams score coming back always makes people happy. 

Overall, although it was not as good as the first, it was definitely not as awkward as the 2nd and 3rd. Take it for what it is: a fun popcorn movie that doesn't talk down to the audience. 

And for god sakes don't take your toddlers to see this. You want them to see dinosaurs ripping people apart? What the hell is wrong with you. Do you want them to end up like me?

Grade: A